McDermott's Personal Log

Personal Log: Stardate 2407.01.17.

Four years of training, classes, seminars and simulations and it all came to an end. My final test took less the twelve minutes. Lieutenant Thrall didn't even bother letting me complete the simulation before passing me. I'm not sure whether that should please me or not.

Admiral Green seemed pleased with my performance at any rate and with my promotion came the news of my posting to the Nimitz. I’ve just finished reading the vessel summary and specifications and find myself surprised that I would get such an…excellent…assignment right out of the Academy. Most officers wait their entire career to do a tour of duty on a Galaxy or Sovereign class vessel.

My personal gear is packed and I’m making arrangements to report to my duty station ASAP.

End Log.

Personal Log: Stardate 2407.02.09.

Arrived at Starbase Geneva right on schedule and right into an Aregan Hornets nest. Apparently there has been some criminal activity on the station although exactly what I cannot say as Commander Wolfe did not elaborate. From the way he sounded I would surmise that he had too much going on to explain the situation more fully to a new Ensign.

I’ll be staying on the station for the next few days and although I could simply relax and enjoy the time off, I think the time would be spent more productively in contacting my direct superior, a Lieutenant Jono Janeway, and offer my assistance if he needs it.

End Log.

Personal Log: Stardate 2407.02.10.

Duty on the Nimitz has gotten off to a…rocky start. In fact I haven’t even been able to board her yet and it may be some time before I do at this rate. Commander Wolfe collapsed just a short time ago during a meeting with new personnel. To say he looked bad would be superfluous considering the circumstances.

It is of course possible that he could have just become ill but my concern is how. Star Fleet personnel are inoculated against literally hundreds of illnesses and diseases. Starbases by there very nature are prone to exposure to various illnesses just due to the number of beings that come and go. I however do not feel that it is probable that a Starfleet officer would just come down with an illness that was carried onto Geneva through normal traffic.

While I have no evidence, nothing to indicate that anything out of the ordinary is happening, my instincts are…screaming that something is very wrong. I can’t help but wondering if there is something more here than meets the eye. If there is I would imagine that it will only be a matter of hours before we start seeing more illnesses.

It is my sincere hope that I am wrong. The consequences if I am correct could be catastrophic.

I have some time before I have to report. I think I should take a look around and see what I can see…or hear.

End Log.

Personal Log: Stardate 2407.02.11.

I doubt if I will ever be able to give an accurate accounting of the past few days. Suffice it to say that I did not expect my first assignment in Starfleet to start out this way. I’m finally on board the Nimitz…days after I was supposed to have reported. I appear to be recovering from the virus that I contracted while on Geneva as well as from the subsequent surgery that had been necessary to save my life.

Commander Wolfe, Lieutenant Janeway and myself were some of the lucky ones however. It appears that the death toll was high and while I have not had a chance to read all of the reports as of yet, I do know that the Nimitz lost several members of her crew including an engineer, a Lieutenant Miles O’Neil. I must make inquiries into when memorial services will be held for the lost crewmembers. While I am new on board and never knew any of them, they were still colleagues and shipmates who deserved to be honored.

I am about to formally report to Captain Sash for duty…nearly a week late. I suppose it doesn’t really matter at this point but protocol as well as simple respect requires it. I find myself wondering if this is the first time something like this has ever happened with a new crewmember reporting in for the Captain, or if this has happened before.

One interesting thing of note: I actually have private quarters on Nimitz. I would have never expected that. It’s going to be rather nice to have a place of my own. In fact this will be the first time in my life that I have had a place that I could call my own.

End Log.

Personal Log: Stardate 2407.02.17.

Captain Sash promoted me today during an assembly in Cargo Bay One. The Captain said it was due to my actions while on Geneva. I’m not sure I agree with him but I guess that’s one of the perks of command.

Unfortunately Lt. Janeway and Commander Wolfe have both been promoted and transferred to the USS Champlain. I’m deeply concerned about the impact to the Tactical Department; Janeway’s departure will leave a big hole. Additionally our new first officer is Lt. Commander Hromava. While he seems like a competent officer I’m concerned by the apparent shortage of senior command level officers on board Nimitz. The Executive Officer on a Sovereign Class: vessel should at the very least be a full commander.

Most of the department heads on Nimitz seem to be Lieutenants with the exception of the Medical department and as far as I can tell Tactical doesn’t even having an acting department head. I suppose when it comes down to it this is really none of my concern. The officers I have met so far seem to be very competent and professional so it may be that I’m worrying about nothing. I also heard that it appears officers from the Nimitz have a tendency to get promoted and posted to positions elsewhere at a rather alarming rate. That could be why the senior officer situation is the way it is.

It’s good for the younger officers but I have to wonder how Captain Sash feels about the constant drain on his crew.

There is to be a going away party this evening in Ten Forward. Despite my misgivings I’ll attend at least for a short time. As one of the promoted officers I need to be there and I really should wish Mr. Janeway and Captain Wolfe well. These things always turn out to either be a waste of time or a disaster. I hope for once this will be the exception to the rule.

End Log.

Personal Log: Stardate 2407.02.17 (Supplemental)

I should have listened to my instincts and stayed away from the party at Ten Forward. I’ll never make that mistake again as the whole evening was an unmitigated disaster.

I made the mistake of dancing with the ships Assistant Counselor. I made a stupid assumption that since she was a redhead with green eyes, that she was not a Betazoid. I got what I deserved for assuming. I’m not sure what she did to me while trying to invade my mind but I doubt I’ll sleep tonight or maybe ever again.

The things she said to me were…disturbing. How could she possibly care for me after such a brief time that we spent together? I don’t believe her for a moment but what I find disturbing is how much I have come to…regard her. Is it possible that she feels as I do?

I doubt I’ll ever understand what happened tonight but I know one thing. I’m staying as far away from Cecilia Bruce as I can possibly arrange from now on. This whole thing had had a very unsettling affect on me.

End Log.

Personal Log: Stardate 2407.03.07.

I have volunteered to go on an unsanctioned mission with the Captain and a few select others to rescue a highly decorated and valuable officer that has been captured and sentenced to death by a Doenitz instigated tribunal. It goes without saying that the whole trial, as well as the charges and the sentence are illegitimate. Of course pretty much anything the Doenitz junta government does is illegitimate as well when you get down to it. As such we are committing no crime in affecting a rescue, although I’m sure Doenitz will feel differently when it’s all over.

As this is an unauthorized mission our own fleet Admiral may feel the same way when this is all over and done with. From a tactical standpoint I understand and agree with LoDona’s stance on this and why he will not authorize a rescue attempt. From just about any other standpoint I find that I cannot agree with the Admiral however and I believe that this attempt must be made no matter the cost. While the potential chance of loss of life is high, I believe that there is a higher imperative here than the chance that people may die in an attempt that very well could fail.

There is also a moral obligation here. Starfleet does not leave it’s own behind. There is also a political and even a propaganda opportunity here as if we succeed we could very well help build even more support amongst the public and regular citizens of the UFP. Finally there is a strategic factor to consider here as well. We have to let Doenitz know that he is not safe anywhere. We’ve proven that we can and will hit large and important targets. We also have to show him that we will not hesitate to hit small and relatively minor targets as well.

If we can prove to the tyrant that nothing is sacred, nothing can be considered safe than we may very well be able to force him to spread out his considerable assets, trying to protect everything and the more he tries to hold onto…the more will slip right through his fingers.

As it is possible that this will be my final official log entry I can only say that I have no reservations about what I am doing and if I do not return, I will have no regrets for having ended my career and life while taking this action.

End Log.

Personal Log: Stardate 2407.03.08.

Beginning auxiliary log: To be attached to main log upon return to Nimitz, if we return.

My mind should be on this mission but unfortunately it’s not. So many things have occurred since my last entry I hardly know where to begin. Cecilia showed up in my quarters perhaps an hour before we were scheduled to leave to inform me that she’d decided to go on this mission. Quite frankly I could not and do not understand why she felt the need to tell me or justify her actions to me. I personally agree with her decision so it was not like she had to defend herself even had it been necessary.

Then she kissed me.

I’ll grant that it’s been years since I’ve been kissed and then I was barely a teen but I can safely say I’ve never been kissed like that. Ever! Somehow, although I don’t really know how, it felt as though she had almost no control over herself. Not that I really did either.

I’m not sure I understand what is happening here but somehow I’ve formed a bond with her. I know what she is feeling and I know that she means me no harm and in fact I think she may be in love with me. I’m not sure how that could be possible but from what I’m sensing from her, I know it to be true. It’s ironic really that with all the negative experiences that I’ve had with Betazoids, I’d end up falling for one.

The experience has been difficult though. Somehow she has formed such a strong link with me that I believe that I am now able to share her mental powers. I’m not sure that she has any control over it and in fact when we are close together she seems to be almost as helpless around me as I am around her. Either way the experience is not something that I want to continue and I’m coming to feel that Betazoid powers may not be all they seem. I personally don’t like the idea of knowing what everyone else is feeling and thinking and I’m going to have to talk to her about it. Maybe Doctor Lamar will have some insights on Human/Betazoid relationships, I’m sure I’m not the only one to have ever experienced this. There must be a way around it.

Since we’ve been on board the Hegh’delar I’ve actually held her hand while meeting with the Captain, something that is totally inappropriate yet at the time it seemed like the most natural thing in the world. Later after the meeting we made a wrong turn and before I knew it we were kissing again. Somehow Cecilia managed to get control of things before they got totally out of hand and then Ensign Doorman interrupted us.

Apparently Doorman was offended by the fact that a fellow Betazoid could care for a human like me and physically attacked me. I impressed upon him how vitally important it was for his continued good health that he not do something like that again. Cecilia wants to talk with me about what is going on between us and I know enough at this point to know that what she wants to tell me is very important. She’d wanted Doorman involved although why I don’t know unless it was something specific about Betazoid relationships that he was going to help her explain to me.

The fact that he tried to kill himself last night has put an end to that which suits me just fine, as quite frankly I have little respect for him and even less now that he’s tried to end his own life. Perhaps after this mornings meeting with the Captain we can talk things out and I can start to come to terms with exactly what is happening between us. I’m sure there will be difficulties and challenges that we will have to overcome together.

I am not concerned. Life would not be worth living without challenges.

End Log.

Personal Auxiliary Log: Stardate 2407.03.09.

To be attached to main log upon return to Nimitz, if we return.

Most of yesterday passed in a blur of confused…images and I do not trust the accuracy of my memory at this point. Much of what I remember is simply too fantastic or to be frank impossible, to really have happened.

Even as I sit here trying to dictate this entry…I cannot seem to make sense of most of what occurred yesterday. Whatever happened my confusion seems to be understandable as Doctor Lamar had to intervene and treat me for this…affliction. The injection seems to have had the desired affect and for the first time in months…I am enjoying silence.

I know it sound ridiculous but one does not truly appreciate the quiet until one spends an extended period of time with a complete absence of it. I also understand now many things that should have been obvious but that I ignored at the time.

So much happened after Geneva and my illness, many of the symptoms I just took as after affects. Now I am beginning to understand that they had nothing to do with the biological attack that nearly killed me. I am also beginning to suspect that they have little to nothing to do with Cecilia Bruce.

At first it seemed to make sense considering the nature of our relationship but now…I just don’t know for sure anymore. It almost seems like this…may be a problem with me. Since the medication that the Doctor has given me has cleared my mind, I find that I am thinking more clearly now than I have in weeks.

While the doctor did not tell me specifically what the nature of the medication was that he gave me I am…worried that it might have been some kind of inhibitor to prevent me from having a psychotic episode. Perhaps my mothers…insanity was the result of some kind of biological disorder that is now manifesting itself in me.

If we return to the Nimitz alive both that Captain and I are going to want answers yet I am…sensing that both Cecilia and Lamar know the answers already. I must face the probably that this will be my last mission aboard the Nimitz. In fact I may be looking at the last days of my career. If my mental stability is indeed the problem here, there is no way that I will be able to retain my commission.

I have tried for the last few hours to decide just what I would do with the rest of my life if I no longer had a career in Starfleet…that is if I’m not placed permanently in an institution of some sort. But frankly I cannot even begin to imagine my life having any kind of meaningful purpose if that were to happen.

End Log.

Personal Auxiliary Log: Stardate: 2407.03.11.

To be attached to main log upon return to Nimitz.

The last few days have been…eventful to say the least. While we were successful in rescuing Lt. Tagon the mission was, in my opinion, an unmitigated disaster. The death toll among the station personal was catastrophic. My initial concerns with Ensign(jg) Thom Hania were unfortunately more than just a poor first impression as he proved to be nothing more than a loose cannon.

I cannot help but blame myself for much of this as it was my…collapse that allowed him free reign during the extraction of Mr. Tagon and many innocents paid for my weakness with their lives. Hania’s objections to my initial plan of action are quite obvious now in retrospect. At the time I was unable to react or even respond logically to him which made it easy for him to make me look foolish. I am disgusted that this…thing had to happen at such a critical time as much of what occurred could have been prevented, had I been lucid.

It is sadly obvious now that Hania’s spurious objections that my plan would put too many innocent lives at risk were nothing more than for the advancement of his own personal agenda, which was to force a major confrontation with station personal in order for him to engage in combat.

As a result of my remaining on board the Hegh’delar, Hania was able to exercise wholesale slaughter on the stations personnel and while we do not have exact numbers it is likely that two hundred or more personnel died in the attack. Scores of security personnel died while Hania went on an explosive lobbing orgy of destruction which ended with the deliberate murder of Major Julian Wells.

While the mission’s goal of rescuing Lt. Tagon was a success, it must be otherwise considered a bloody and costly failure that will likely cost all of us our careers.

Cecilia was so upset when she returned to the Hegh’delar that it took me some time to get the story of what happened out of her. It didn’t help that I was injured and that she collapsed after using a telepathic technique to help stop my symptoms which had started again, without Dr. Lemar having to give me another injection. Once we had both recovered I was able to convince her that she had to take action against Hania.

Hania escaped justice by dying during a confrontation with Cecilia and Captain Sash. It appears that poisoning was the cause of death and I am very suspicious at this point as to how he came into contact with a lethal dose of poison.

Either way he got off easy in my opinion.

We are on the way back to the Nimitz at this time and should rendezvous shortly. After that it’s back to Geneva and the Court-Martial that awaits us all.

End Log.

Personal Log: Stardate 2407.03.13.

I met with Cecilia and Lemar today and they informed me that my mother was…is…a…full blooded Betazoid. Genetic testing is conclusive and there is no chance that there is a mistake.

So now we know why I’ve been having these telepathic episodes.

I am…sick right now. The fact that mother withheld this from me is no surprise. It’s just that…the way I’ve treated Cecilia…the way I have acted toward other Betazoids…toward other people in the past.

For the first time in many years I’ve been forced to take a good hard long look at myself and I didn’t like what I saw.

In my attempt to not become like my mother I have become something far-far worse. I don’t like who I am or what I’ve become. What’s worse is I don’t know how or if I can change what I am.

End log.

Personal Log: Stardate 2407.03.17.

Today proved to be an interesting day. I spent nearly six hours being grilled on the Side-Step Maneuver that I used during the battle against the Vindicator. It’s now being called McDermott’s Side-Step, a ridiculous and overly dramatic name if there ever was one but Ensign Larry Drake insisted in calling it that in his report and when the Captain forwarded all of the information on the battle to 52nd Fleet command, the silly name stuck!

At 1100 I was ordered to report to Geneva for debriefing and for a moment I thought that the Admiralty had changed there minds and decided to Court-Martial us after all. So far however it appears that only the Captain is taking the heat over this mission.

So I had to go over every detail of the battle with the Vindicator with three commanders, one captain and a commodore, all from Fleet Strategic Operations! After dissecting the battle itself piece by piece, we went into details on the maneuver itself, how I came up with the variation in the first place. It was a very long afternoon.

When I arrived back on Nimitz I was in no mood to go back on duty and took the rest of the day off. That may not have been a good idea as spending the rest of the day alone in my quarters was…lonely. I’m not sleeping well at nights anymore either. The first couple of nights were no problem because I was exhausted but I guess I just got used to sleeping with Cecilia, as we had on the Hegh’delar, while on the trip back to the Nimitz.

It’s not like we…did anything but…I miss her all the same.

I’d like to talk to her but ever since she and Lemar informed me that my mother was a Betazoid. I just have not been able to face her, or anyone else for that matter.

End Log.

Personal Log: Stardate 2407.03.22.

We received orders from the Admiralty today to conduct a snap raid on Cait Prime (Ferasa) with the objective of verifying the existence and destroying a Doenitz research facility believed to be developing biogenetically altered Caitians for use as Super-Soldiers.

Just before the briefing the Captain promoted a number of the officers who participated in the mission to free Mr. Tagon. Tagon was also promoted to Lt. Commander. I was rather shocked to be promoted to Lieutenant (jg). The Captain has made it obvious that he does not trust me and after the events on the Hegh’delar I don’t blame him in the slightest. I expected to be transferred off the Nimitz, not promoted.

Lt. Commander Tagon was appointed the head of Security and Tactical departments and from the expressions of some at the briefing it was obvious that they thought I was the one who was going to get it and were surprised when I did not. I met with the Captain again after the briefing and he informed me that he did not choose me for the position due to his lack of confidence in me, not a lack of trust.

I found that explanation to be rather annoying since in essence it’s the same thing and I would prefer it if he would not play semantics with me. It’s obvious he does not trust me and he has good cause. I harbor him no ill will, his main concern is the wellbeing of the ship and that is as it should be. In fact, I can’t help but think that my being transferred elsewhere would be in the Nimitz best interest.

It looks like for the next few days at least I will be running jungle tactical simulations and of course training with Cecilia and then there will be our sessions. At least now that I know longer have an entire department on my shoulders I can spend more time on improving myself.

When time allows I think I will also begin working on my command qualifications.

End Log.