Editing Newsletter/Spring 2010 (section)

==<font color=goldenrod>And Now For Something Completely Different...</font>==

A new segment to this newsletter. A little bit of humour, funny news story or uplifting story from around the world. To start, an excellent piece of Star Trek related humour and a little computer related humour as well, enjoy......

<strong><font color=maroon>Star Trek TNG Meets Microsoft</font></strong>
[[File:Enterprise D Crew.jpg|right|300px]]

<font color=goldenrod>Picard:</font>'' Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways? ''

<font color=goldenrod>Geordi:</font>'' Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology. ''

<strong><font color=maroon>Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.</font></strong> 

<font color=goldenrod>Riker [puzzled]:</font>'' What the hell is Microsoft? ''

<font color=goldenrod>Data [turns to explain]:</font>'' Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.'' 

<font color=goldenrod>Picard:</font>'' But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity? ''

<font color=goldenrod>Data:</font>'' Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions. ''

<font color=goldenrod>Picard:</font>'' Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape idea. ''

<strong><font color=maroon>. . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .</font></strong>

<font color=goldenrod>Data:</font>'' Captain, we have successfully installed the Windows in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected upgrade. ''

<font color=goldenrod>Geordi:</font>'' Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to compensate for their increase. ''

<font color=goldenrod>Picard:</font>'' Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed. ''
[[File:Borg tactical cube.jpg|right|300px]]

<font color=goldenrod>Data:</font>''  Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards. ''

<font color=goldenrod>Riker:</font>'' Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F! ''

<font color=goldenrod>Geordi: [excited]</font>'' Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% ! ''

<font color=goldenrod>Picard:</font>'' Data, what do your scanners show? ''

<font color=goldenrod>Data: [studying displays]</font>'' Apparently the Borg have found the internal Windows module named Solitaire, and it has used up all available CPU capacity. ''

<font color=goldenrod>Picard:</font>'' Lets wait and see how long this Solitaire can reduce their functionality. ''

<strong><font color=maroon>. . . . Two Hours Pass . . .</font></strong>

<font color=goldenrod>Riker:</font>'' Geordi, what is the status of the Borg? ''

<font color=goldenrod>Geordi:</font>'' As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more Windows modules from something called the Microsoft Fun-Pack. ''

<font color=goldenrod>Picard:</font>'' How much time will that buy us? ''

<font color=goldenrod>Data:</font>'' Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours. ''

<font color=goldenrod>Geordi:</font>'' Captain, another vessel has entered our sector. ''

<font color=goldenrod>Picard:</font>'' Identify. ''

<font color=goldenrod>Data:</font>'' It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo... ''

<strong><font color=maroon>[Over the speakers]: This is admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft flagship MONOPOLY. We have positive confirmation of unregistered software in this sector. Surrender all assets and we can avoid any trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply. </font></strong>
[[File:Windows7 logo.jpg|right|300px]]

<font color=goldenrod>Data: </font>''The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.'' 

<font color=goldenrod>Picard:</font>'' Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft! ''

<font color=goldenrod>Riker: </font>''My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?! ''

<font color=goldenrod>Data: </font>''I dont believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits. ''

<font color=goldenrod>Riker and Picard, together [horrified]: </font>''Lawyers!! ''

<font color=goldenrod>Geordi:</font>'' It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening. ''

<font color=goldenrod>Data:</font>'' True, but appearently some must have survived. ''

<font color=goldenrod>Riker: </font>''They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers. ''

<font color=goldenrod>Data: </font>''I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It often proves fatal. ''

<font color=goldenrod>Riker:</font>'' They're tearing the Borg to pieces! ''

<font color=goldenrod>Picard:</font>'' Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!''